MENu Dating: Taste Test Your Way to the Main Course

Q: How did you come up with the concept for your book “MENu Dating: Taste Test Your Way to the Main Course”?

Once upon a time, my BFF Todd and I bestowed the responsibility of dating coach upon one another. In a grand social experiment, for 90 days we vowed to serve as each other’s compass in the dating jungle. We would do nothing– from who to date and what to wear to what to write in an email and when to sleep with someone and everything in between - without the other’s approval. We deciphered man/woman speak for each other, forced each other to go on dates with 3+ different people per week, role played conversations and so on.  We dated lively and largely and what was to last 90 days lasted three and a half years! MENu Dating is the result of my learnings.

Q: What do you think is the biggest challenge single women face when it comes to dating and what advice do you give them?

Keeping up their dating stamina! It is easy to get into the “I’m just not lucky in love” or “All the good guys are taken or are gay” zone, but getting deflated by a string of bad dates doesn’t get you any closer to a good one. Therefore it is critical to maintain your dating endurance, keeping three things in mind: 1) Dating is a game of numbers – the more you date, the better your odds. 2) There is always the one before the one… and no one ever knows when that will be… such is the magic of love! 3) He is not at the bottom of a pint of Ben & Jerry’s; wallowing in pity will get you nowhere. At the very least go out and live your life – build that up to the best of your ability and as you become happier, you will become more attractive to men.

Q: Many people get to a point when they simply hate dating. How do you suggest they adjust their attitude?

It’s all about reprogramming the way you look at dating. You need to eliminate your time line. Instead make it about an experience line. Dating is not a means to a marriage end. It is a journey in self-discovery – it is a process to uncover what you require in a life’s co-pilot. This won’t happen in a few dates. It will take time. There will be some storms to weather. And like weather, you can’t forecast it perfectly, but you can forecast your attitude towards it. Work towards a sunny forecast in your heart and mind and assume that despite what text you may not have gotten back last night or what a disappointment who’s-his-face was on your blind date, know that yesterday’s dating weather pattern was necessary for today’s and that today’s could bring new love opportunities tomorrow, especially if your forecast is filled with optimism. Sunny attracts sunny and no guy wants a repeat date with a woman, no matter how beautiful she may be, if she is accessorized with a cloud overhead. Even if you end up with a tornado of a date, you will still have learned something about what you want and need in a man, plus it will make for a hilarious story with your girlfriends over Bloody Mary’s and a bottle of Advil at Sunday brunch, right?!

Q: Best place to meet new people when you are tired or too old for the bar scene?

Every stop along your daily route should be considered an opportunity to fall in like. Some of the best places to meet people are those that aren’t contrived or filled with pressure like the bar scene is - places where you are a relaxed, natural version of yourself (as opposed to the porn star version of yourself) such as while reading a book at Starbucks, waiting in line at the grocery store or post office, the dog park, yoga class or even at the bus stop. The whole world should be considered a dating playground so make sure you have your “open for business” sign hanging up, meaning you look friendly, you aren’t buried in your blackberry and you aren’t rockin’ PJs and last night’s eyeliner!

Q: Number one online dating mistake every single woman should avoid?

Most online dating mistakes will point to too much cleavage in a photo or over-revealing information, but I think the biggest mistake women make when it comes to online dating is prematurely falling in love with a man via his profile. Virtually, a guy appears dreamy virtually – his “resume” is ideal and all of your email communications are as charming as can be that by the time your in-person date rolls around, you’ve already decided he could be “the one!” And then you show up and are disappointed to find out he’s just a regular guy... God forbid! LOL. Don’t stalk a profile or fantasize into the future. Maintain realistic expectations and stay in the present to enjoy an online dating experience.

Q: Any help for women who attract jerks or how to break the pattern?

You don’t attract anyone accidentally, you choose them in all that you put out there… the way you dress, the way you flirt, where you go and what you decide you are willing to accept in your life. So first, you have to accept responsibility for the men that are in your life. Secondly, oftentimes we seek in a relationship what we actually seek to have in ourselves. For example we may be attracted to an artist because we have an unfulfilled artist within ourselves or someone who is emotionally crippled because we like to heal people. Try pointing the dominant characteristic you are repeatedly attracted to inward and see if that diminishes your cravings (i.e. take an art class if you like artists or volunteer if you like emotionally crippled guys.) Dating is like algebra. If there is a variable in your dating equation you don’t like, change it and the results will change too.

Q: What is a tell-tale sign that a man is into you?

Look for signs that indicate he is thinking of you when you are not around such as he calls you for no reason (as opposed to calling to make plans). Or if he wants you around his friends, that’s a good sign. An even better sign is if his friends know about you before you’ve even met them. If he checks in with you ahead of the weekend (as opposed to at 7pm on Saturday night), to see what you have going on, that’s a good sign. And even better, if he plans things that have to do with what you are interested in, not what he is interested in, that is a sure sign that he is working to make sure you know that he digs you.

Q: You write about taboo topics in the getting to know you phase. Can you give our readers some examples.

Sometimes nervousness gets the best of us on a date and we can blab on but when it comes to certain subjects, on the first few dates, you need to zip it. Taboo topics include soulmates/destiny/fate, upcoming weddings you are going to that you just so happen to need a date for, ex-boyfriends or the number of guys you’ve bedded, your therapist or bouts in rehab, your perfectly mapped out plans for the future and current debt or your trust fund. TMI at the beginning is a major turn off to a guy who is only turned on by the good stuff – the easy, breezy, no drama stuff.  So in that getting to know you phase, introduce the cool, calm, collected you, not the “Hey, how many kids do you want in the future? I hope it is more than my loser ex-boyfriend that I am so happy my shrink convinced me to break up with” girl to the side for now to keep from scaring him away.

Q: Should single women test date men who are not their type and why?

Absolutely! It’s all about the learning process and every man is comprised of a unique flavor composition. Therefore there aren’t really “types.” While there are generalized types which I call mandidates in my book, every guy is unique, meaning all lawyers or sensitive guys or coworkers or mama’s boys or jocks are not created equal within themselves – two “suits” could be really different; one you could adore, the other you could detest. You can’t judge a guy just by his job, what school he went to, what he is wearing, where he is from, etc – you need to uncover his various flavors a little more to determine if you like the way he tastes. After all, do you want someone typecasting you?

Q: Unless you have a ring on your finger, it’s okay to date more than one guy at a time. Why do you think this is true or false?

The ring isn’t the definer, it is whether you have verbally committed. If you haven’t, I say not only is it ok to date more than one guy at a time, I say it is smart to so long as you are doing it openly and honestly (there’s a difference between being a player and a menu dater – it’s called ethics!) Simply, dating is a learning journey and like any learning experience you wouldn’t minimize your opportunities to absorb knowledge, would you? What you learn from taste testing is the nuisances of your discerning palate – your very specific wants and needs in a relationship. The more you date, the more precise you become in this knowledge and the closer you get to finding your main course.

Q: Many men experience the fear and the flight syndrome as soon as a relationship starts to go well. How should a woman respond when that happens?

There are two types of commitment phobes: 1) The one who says he is “scared” of committing and 2) The one who is afraid of losing his freedom. If he is guy #1 let him go; a guy stating he is scared is code for “I’m not ready.” When the right thing comes around, you make yourself ready – this guy’s not. If you have guy #2, the cure for this commitment phobe is listening carefully to his fears, understanding them and reassuring him that all of the things he thinks will happen (i.e. no more nights out with the guys, you will start wearing face masks to bed and gain 20 pounds, etc), won’t. Recognize too that the more pressure you put on him, the worse it will be. Now is the time for you to be supportive and nurturing, and continue to show him that you have your own independent life that can complement his.