Single City Guy

Q: In your blog, SingleCityGuy, you state that “dating in New York is like a war." What makes dating in this city feel like a combat zone?

Dating in New York is a war zone, and I feel guys are always fighting a battle against women's defenses. Guys have to strategize, think of a plan and approach to gaining a woman’s attention, much like war. In war, there are multiple strategies to take over a target --- do you attack with ground troops or use air support? General soldiers or special forces? Dating is the same way, do you approach a woman alone or with a wingman? Do you require a mutual friend's help or can you handle wooing a woman on your own?

It's been made clear to most men that woman want guys to approach them. What we’re seldom told is that each woman cannot be approached the same way. Each woman is unique, and the same approach for one woman will not work on another, even if they are similar. Some women don’t like meeting men at bars, others do. Some have a dry sense of humor, others don’t. We often have to determine which strategy works best, what not to say, and how to maintain her interest in a very short manner of time. All while fighting against every other guy.

Q: You also seem to have honed in on the fact that there is little in the way of resources and support for single men. Surely you must have tools and resources to help bachelors live better lives. Any special ones you would like to recommend?

There are some tools to help bachelors live better lives, but these aren’t specific to dating. The best dating advice I’ve come across includes improving our lives and meeting our personal goals. I highly recommend reading “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff... And It’s All Small Stuff” by Richard Carlson; “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” and “First Things First” by Stephen Covey; “Who Moved My Cheese” by Spencer Johnson; and “What Should I Do With My Life” by Po Bronson. I would be remiss in saying, “The Game” didn’t help me at all, it provided a unique insight into the mind of women and how to approach them. Some of the tips in the book have helped improve my dating life, however I wouldn’t follow it to the letter.

As for websites, AskMen.com has been a great website and resource, especially when it’s come to fashion and guy advice; Dan Savage's podcast “Savage Love” has provided some really great dating tips for me in the past; and College Humor’s The Crucial Man is the basic male resource.

Q: What’s the funniest, most bizarre or frustrating date you ever experienced?

The most bizarre date I’ve ever experienced had to be my last one with Dog Lady, (click here to read the full story.) I’ve been on some bizarre dates, but this one started as a bar hopping night with me and my best friend. We happened to bump into Dog Lady who accused me of having relations with my good friend of many years. She did this while complementing how beautiful she was. As the night wore on, it went from bizarre to insanity, as she was crying and accusing my friend of crying over me. She went from complementing to angry to horny in a matter of an hour. What was supposed to be a night with a friend turned into a night cap with the person I’ve been dating for a few weeks.

The night cap turned into a lesson of many things. Mainly how painful teeth can be when applied in the wrong situations and how much she really loves her dog.

Q:  For some, single living happens by and not choice. Others embrace the lifestyle. What in your opinion is the secret to living a happy single life?

The secret to living a happy single life is to be happy with yourself. Even if a person is in a relationship, if they are unhappy the relationship will end in failure. This may sound like a generic answer, there isn’t much more to it. Single people should be proud of themselves, be confident and most importantly, enjoy the things they do. Being single isn’t a curse, there isn’t the need to sleep during the day, skulk in the shadows and drink blood. There’s nothing wrong with being a single person, there is something wrong with being a single, unhappy person.

Being single means you can make important changes in your life, if you choose to. If you’re unhappy with your job, you can find a new one. Unhappy with the city you live in, you can consider relocating. Until a person is happy with themselves, they are going to be a bit miserable regardless of being single or not.

I will admit this is easier said than done, but it is very possible. Find the things that make you happy, and I promise a happier single you will be!

Q: Studies indicate that New York City has the largest population of single women, making competition fierce when it comes to dating. What are some of the best places for single women to meet men in the city that never sleeps?

Many women underestimate the amount of great guys at bars. I’m not talking about the party bars or open bars that women tend to go to on a Friday or Saturday with their friends. I’m referring to the neighborhood, somewhat trendy bars during afterwork hours. If into sports, women should try these bars during a game, but choose your team and the game wisely.

If a woman plays sports or is into physical activity, there’s plenty of intramural sports around the city that single guys often attend and participate. For those who enjoy rollerblading, events like Tuesday Night Skate and Wednesday Night Skate are perfect places to meet fit and single men.

Social Media events, such as TweetUps, are also great places to meet great single guys! Yes, there will be the occasional super geek here or there, but there are plenty of great and interesting men who attend. The Roger Smith Hotel (@RSHotel) in mid-town holds plenty of social media events.

There’s also specific Social/Networking events such as those hosted by Moxie In The City or Single And The City which host themed events for single men and women.

Lastly, single men are everywhere! At the supermarket, on the train, at your job or even serving you drinks. Many of my friends tell me stories of waiters hitting on them, only to end up in great relationships. Don’t be afraid to wink at a man from across the room or show him you’re interested by approaching him on the train. He may surprise you!

Q: When we think of New York, many assume it’s a playground for commitment phobes and desperate divas. Do you agree or disagree, and why?

It’s easy to buy into the myth that New York is a playground for those who are commitment phobic. I’m a New York native and I’ve never been commitment phobic. I feel that comment applies to a select group of people, or the current “trendy” bar hoppers. Are there plenty of people who participate in casual relationships? Yes, but there are 8.4 million people in New York, you're bound to find a lot of casual daters.

I think if you keep meeting people who aren’t ready for commitment or too desperate, begin looking for other people. I was raised in Brooklyn and love it. Often I travel to as many neighborhoods as I can, to meet as many different types of people. It shakes up the monotony of seeing the same casual LES hipsters, or the casual desperate Soho divas on a weekly basis. Start going to places outside of your bubble. For those Manhattanites this applies especially to you, Brooklyn isn’t that far away. Venture into the boroughs and you’ll meet a different type of person.

Q: As a blogger who writes about dating from a man’s perspective, what are 3 things every single woman should know that will help them attract quality men?

Stop being so picky. If you meet a great guy and he’s 5’6” instead of 5’7”, get over it. The excuses of him being too short when you wear heels isn’t a good excuse to be in a happy relationship. Often the right man isn’t going to fit your standards. No one is perfect, not even your dream man.

Approach men more often. I know women love it when we do it, but sometimes when I’m on the train and I see an attractive girl with her iPod on, I’m hesitant to approach or say hi. If you think he’s cute, strike up a conversation. Even if you’re on the L.

Most importantly, stop dating the bad boys! Try to date the unsuspecting nice guys. Often many women have done the bad boy track, only to end up single as their friends and family meet plenty of great, nice, wonderful men. That’s because they looked past the bad boy exterior, and into the actual person.

Q: Okay, now what about the men. What love lessons would you give to all those twenty-something guys out there?

Guys, most women aren’t going to have sex with you on the first night. Don’t ask or expect it. It’s not going to happen. If she does sleep with you on the first night, make sure you’re careful. Also consider this, if she’s slept with you on the first night, whom else has she slept with after meeting them at the bar?

Be yourself! I’ve succeeded more often than not when I was just myself. At times I can be very geeky, and some women have been turned on and enjoyed that. One time I mentioned virtual worlds, only to find out she did work with virtual worlds. We clicked instantly.

CALL! CALL! CALL! This is a lesson I’ve had to learn myself. Women prefer calling to texting. When in doubt with a woman, call! Want to ask her on a date? Call! Thought about her while you were watching the game? CALL! Want to see if she’s available for a date tomorrow night? CALL! While I’m being a bit dramatic here, make an attempt to call more often, women appreciate it more than texting.

Q:  There are so many dating coaches and you’ve teamed up with one of them, Laurie Davis. Can you tell our readers a little bit more about the incentive you are offering together?

I love to promote the services and people who have helped me thru my dating life. Laurie Davis is the real deal! She’s a great resource and navigator through this dating minefield I’ve been through. I’ve also become an improved dater because of her! She’s helped me so much that I’ve asked her to provide my readers a 15% discount to any of her services. When they sign up for services, they have to mention Single City Guy and be sure to include the link of the website, post or article to obtain the discount.

I can’t recommend Laurie’s services enough! She’s amazing!

Q: Any other words of wisdom?

Don’t ride the deep lows or the high highs for too long. Often you’ll have your heart broken, feelings hurt, or be smitten. It’s okay to embrace these feelings for a period of time, but don’t live in them. While dating it’s best to maintain a balance. It’s okay to cry when someone breaks your heart, but it’s not okay to cry about it for months continuously. The same goes for the highs. It’s great to feel triumphant when you meet someone, but you’ll often ignore their flaws if you live on their cloud 9 for too long.

The best advice my father gave me was, “Your successes disguise your failures, and your failures are really successes in disguise.” When you achieve success, we often ignore the faults of that success. Maybe the person, who seems perfect for you really isn’t, and you won’t learn about her imperfections for many months down the road. Maybe the person who broke you’re heart will teach you how to meet someone and avoid another heartbreaking moment. Enjoy the extremes, but don’t live in them.  It will make your dating life that much easier.

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